If I have some sort of consistent behavior for five days straight.
That, (and Im speaking to you, world wide web) is an accomplishment.

let me delve into this in more detail. I am by default a cynic. It takes energy and effort on my behalf, to stay positive. Perhaps I sound like an old crippled woman who has witnessed only the most horriffic experience but truth be told I am only recently of legal alchoholic age, yet find myself pondering life's most dense questions, and only find myself freaked the hell out.

Have I had a difficult childhood stained with traumatic events?
Um. to say the least, no. In fact, I consider myself lucky (blessed, whatever) that I have two parents who unequoivically unconditionally love me more than themselves. No joke.

But here is where my story gets a tad more exciting. Story, or life glimpse, I suppose this blog is a means to an end in a way of expressing myself apart from the journal on the side of my bedstand.
A little over three years ago, my life changed.

I went to college. But guess what (surprise!). That's not exactly how my life changed.

Another tangent (which I swear) correlates with what I am about to endow on this entry makes sense, bear with me just a little longer. I watched Becoming Jane about a year ago, (a movie, folks) and one line struck a chord and kind of killed a part of me.
Ironically, this film is one of my favorites (yes I am one of those Austen loving females) get over it. But really, the father advises his daughter (yes, Jane Austen) to accept a marriage proposal to a less than exciting man that she has no , er, sexual or intellectual attraction to whatsoever. this man offers a comfortable and financially safe lifestyle: no ifs, ands, or buts.
Why does he advise this? Because, and I quote, "nothing kills the soul like poverty. "

Whoah. that's intense. And scary. okay this ties in with my big life changing blah blah. When I graduated high school, my dad decided to leave his position as a software engineer....something of that sort.
Now folks, I grew up with lessons (piano, voice), extracurricular classes, and vacations...essentially a standard of the upper middle class lifestyle, I grew up comfortably and was shallowly aware of money's value.

Long story short. My father has been unemployed since I graduated high school. I am about to begin my final year at college.

Things, to say the least are different.
They are unfamiliar, scary, frustrating, emotional and that particular quote from "becoming Jane" continues to haunt me....

I am only but wide eyed and confused. You are only but more welcome to join me in this realm of confusion.